The bunch of ‘bankers’ who did more than their fair share in creating the financial merde we’re all in at the moment were finally called to account in front of a select band from that other much-loved group – MPs – in the form of a ‘Treasury Select Committee’.
Surprisingly, the four masters of the universe – Hornby, Goodwin, Stevenson and McKillop - didn’t appear too scared by the Westminster hard men and started off with a daring apology to try and take the wind from the MPs’ sails: “We are profoundly and unreservedly sorry”, said Stevenson. Phew, that’s all right then. As long as you’re sorry we’ll say no more about it.
His fellow chairman at RBS agreed, as did Goodwin and Hornby, resulting in a co-ordinated and rehearsed (yet somehow lifeless) series of apologies which they clearly hoped would do the trick.
“We’ve lost a lot of money too,” insisted Goodwin. Really? Whose money was that, then, chaps?
It seems that most of them don’t have “banking qualifications”. Hornby said he took finance courses while doing his MBA at Harvard, and would everyone like to see his swimming badges?
George Mudie MP sounded like a hapless Goldfinger interrogating James Bond on the laser gun table: (“Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?” “No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die…”) “We didn’t bring you here for a public humiliation; we brought you here to find out what the bloody hell happened.” About as tough as it gets from a man who is effectively a public sector worker out of his depth in the company of slick and devious money men.
Bankers McKillop and Goodwin were visibly bored by it all, with a look of “You-know-and-we-know-you-can’t-touch-us-but-we’re-going-through-the-motions” written all over their faces.
MP McFall : “You’ve all said the banks were victims of an unprecedented event. If it happens again, does the taxpayer take it on the chin? Should regulators clamp down or should the government separate retail from investment banking?”
The bankers all sheepishly go for option 2 – but they seemed to like the bit about taxpayers taking it on the chin. That’s always been a key part of the banks’ customer service policy, after all.
After a few hours of pussyfooting around and playing to the gallery, the toothless and witless MPs had talked themselves and everyone else into a bored and listless stupor and finally realised it was time to send everyone home. They thought, no doubt, that they had been suitably tough with the four men in the dock, to whom they would normally be doffing their caps in misguided respect.
Let off the hook as they knew they would be, the bankers surely stopped off at their respective clubs, had a couple of snifters, allowed themselves a wry smile and then started working out what they would do with their bonuses, stock options and golden parachutes once this minor inconvenience had blown over.
What a bloody farce. It’ll all return to the status quo in a few months and nothing will change unless British voters and taxpayers do something about it.